Survival log from NZ

background

Early this year, I had an idea: “I want to put myself in nature, fully disconnected from people and work, and find what I really want to do with my life.” From late January to mid February, I spent 3 weeks in New Zealand. The cottage house was located between tiny towns called “Clyde” and “Alexandra”; both populations were around 1~2k. Other than that, it was just the house with the garden and the roads surrounded by beautiful mountains and a lake.

phase 1. Escape

The initial few days were magical. The scenery was perfectly what I had dreamed of. I intentionally disconnected myself from the internet and instead read a bunch of books (I brought 4 books: Meditations, Man’s Search for Meaning, The Art of Loving, The Coming Wave) and wrote random stuff from my mind. I was focused on the present meaning just looking at the trees and lakes, looking up at the sky, etc. As the house was very nature friendly, there was a little bit of an insect problem, but I was getting used to it the longer I stayed. In fact, I learned it’s the default cost of staying in a place with a beautiful garden.

phase 2. Recursive Frustration

Yes, except for a few activities such as cherry picking, finding food or coffee places, cooking, rafting, and traveling around the area, just me and nature didn’t get me to know myself better by talking to myself. At some point I was just looking at the bees moving in random directions, but also aware of the fact that it’s only random because I don’t have enough knowledge of the bees’ world. I felt like, “wow, anything that I’m doing with my life is pretty much this random entropy that a bee is generating.” It’s like realizing every ambition or second order desires about money, fame, achievements, etc. that are probably influenced by society felt like it had no meaning in different dimensions. Therefore it’s not absolutely meaningful in the way society believes. This phase lasted for a few days. It’s so ironic to see myself surrounded by beautiful things that I’ve thought I craved for, but to feel much more frustration than before. Like now I finally obtained the environment and time and energy to use it purely for myself, but why was I feeling so much meaninglessness about the world, frustration.

phase 3. Distraction

Once frustration hit rock bottom, while crying in the middle of the most beautiful scenery, I decided to change direction. I decided to give myself distraction. I opened the internet, read random things about what’s happening and what people are excited about, played with tech by making my own projects, and just read through these. I actually spent quite a bit of time learning about agents and AI in general. It’s a little bit uncomfortable because now that I decided to fully distract myself by seeing what other people are interested in on Twitter, I was confused: did my curiosity come from my genuine self, or am I just clout chasing? Like I didn’t want to come to this remote environment just to clout chase.

Another type of distraction was that I messaged more friends and people that I wanted to talk to. I talked about the frustration I was experiencing, talked about the distraction that I was adjusting to, and just listened to what they were up to and focused on it to distract myself. Also, I started to watch some K-drama. The natural uncomfortable feeling arose within this approach because I was questioning myself: am I just taking the blue pill for the sake of escape?

phase 4. Understanding

In the end, I can say mainly I learned: genuine excitement cannot be distinguished from propagated excitement. In fact, it’s the same, so I need my people to stay excited together.

I always had questions for myself: What do I want to devote my life to? Probably it’s revealed in manifesto: I really want to devote myself to something really great. Great enough that it can positively influence many people and potentially make the world a better place. And I’ve been thinking that if I really find something that I genuinely love, I’m going to stick to it for decades and be great at it, but also happy. The fact that I’m spending my life on something I’m so excited about, such as pushing the boundaries of human limits, contributing to one of the most important problems in the world, and being responsible for so many people who depend on my craft all the things that wake me up in the morning are pleasant.

Now the next question: where does excitement come from? Initially, I believed in destiny. Every intermediate step is just a means to an end, and by going through different phases of life/people, I’ll eventually find what I really want to live for. Another counterclaim to this is that excitement propagates. It’s not something rooted in oneself, it propagates through a community, being surrounded by people who are excited about something. And generally this brings up interest and marinates within one’s internal values and potentially leads to excitement as well.

How does it propagate? People. People who I’m surrounded by, that I’m interacting with based on a common interest in some topic. By making slow progress and sharing it, and exchanging ideas, it becomes one of the core drives to stay excited. So I want to surround myself with people who are excited, therefore, interesting people.

The end

Anyway, I’m writing this on the flight back from NZ. I remember in the middle of the trip, I was crying and about to give up this remote time and just go back home early. Looking back, the beautiful scenery is the only thing that remains in my mind and I even miss the time there.

Again, it repeats: everything has a limit. Good times and bad times all have limits, even life itself. In the end, enjoy life and do things that you don’t regret, and love the people.

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